Ups, downs, and getting stuck

RAWR! F*ck this week. Seriously. 

I don't know why, but this whole week I've been worthless. I went to the gym Monday morning and got my run on, and since then? Nothing. Nada. Actually, I lie. I've been eating. A LOT. I can't seem to stop! I got rid of the tons of left over Halloween candy I had because it was just dangerous to have around (especially all of the chocolate), but I swear I've done nothing but gain weight all week and I can seem to get motivated to do anything about it.

I actually cried Tuesday morning (I'm calling it a mix of PMS, just waking up and being pissed) after I weighed myself. I was SO sure I could get under 200 lbs by Halloween. It didn't happen. Tuesday morning I was 202.4. WTF. I did SO well up until Tuesday morning. I've switched to green tea instead of coffee, I steered clear of 'bad for me' foods last weekend and I didn't even drink at my best friend's wedding b/c I wanted to hit that 199 mark. F*CK ME. Seriously. I was so upset. Obviously I'm still not thrilled.

I need someone to yell at me when I put bad things in my mouth. I need to gain more self control. I need someone to MAKE me go work out when I don't want to. Brian pokes me every morning at 5:30 when my alarm goes off and I've just been waving him off saying I'll work out in the afternoon. I haven't. I've been a lazy bum - but I attribute it to my attitude. I'm so bummed right now about not reaching my weight goal.

But, I do think I'm physically looking better. Check out my November 1 pics here.

I'm just really unhappy with my weight progress. I can only blame myself and my eating, why can't I get it under control? It's just food! I only need it to live, I DON'T need it to have fun. I DON'T need it when I'm bored. I only need food when I'm HUNGRY - and when I'm hungry, I need to eat good food, not junk. Why is it so hard?!

I'm actually running a 5K on Saturday - my first race ever. I hope it renews my motivation to be a runner. I want to be a runner. I want to feel comfortable when I run. I want endurance. I don't want to breathe heavy at the gym after a one minute jog. I want to be healthy and have a healthy hobby. I want running to be that healthy hobby. I hope this race goes well...