Tuesday, January 24, 2012

She bought me something awful...

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I have the greatest cheerleaders in the world.

One of my favorite and most hilarious friends is Mel (if you're wondering why I say she's hilarious, just check out that blog - but I suggest you pee first).

Last weekend, I'm laying in bed and my phone goes off - I have a little notification that Mel mentioned me in a Facebook status. At first, as I always do when I realize Mel has mentioned me in a public forum, I freaked out for a minute - Mel is known for surprising/embarrassing her friends with little or no motivation to do so. This is why we love Mel (perhaps we're sadists). Obviously, even in my sleep stupor, my next move is to see just what kind of damage control I'll need to come up with after Mel has talked about me in her Facebook status.

To my surprise, no damage control was needed. There was simply a link to this post on her blog. 

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but Mel? She's an evil genius.

Mel had sent me something awful as a "congratulations!" gift because I ran that half marathon but there was no way of knowing when it was coming, what kind of package to be looking for, and of course, I had no clue what it was. I was at the mercy of the United Parcel Service and my witty friend, Mel.

Of course, when someone tells you they've purchased you a gift, you get excited - anxious even! However, something about the fact that the gift giver told me it was awful just made it all the more enticing.

Lots of different "awful" gifts ran through my head for days - yes, days. I won't share them here, because honestly, I didn't even come close to figuring out how amazingly awful this surprise would be. After 6 days of coming home and searching hopelessly for a package of awful from New Jersey, I rounded the corner of my street, and I saw it. A huge box at my doorstep.

I was overjoyed! My awful present from the great state of New Jersey had finally arrived!...In Hanukkah Paper! Mazel Tov! But what could it be?

It was definitely a big something, whatever it was. And it even came with a card that had a picture of KY on it! Mel is a very lubey friend. She understands that when it comes to giving awful presents, it's important to lube your recipient up a bit first with a sweet card. 

This beast of a gift was my problem now. Wonderful! But what the hell is it!? 

The "awful" gift was all that I was expecting - and so much more. I present to you, my congratulations gift from my friend Mel for my very first half marathon:

Yes, that's right. A 24"x36" framed masterpiece in all of it's unicorn and rainbow-y splendor. In a glittery frame. 

Note the majestic horn, the curling mane of unicorn hair, the creepily muscular legs - this unicorn is legit. Had Mel not seen this beauty hanging out at a garage sale - sold for a mere $2! - this masterpiece might never have made it's way to me.

I've heard lots of things about New Jersey. For example: It's full of loud "Guido" type folks who go to the gym too much, tan too much and do far too much laundry; There are many cranberry bogs; it is the ugly step-child of New York, etc. However, I never knew that the garage sales in New Jersey are the Mecca for finding glittery famed mythological creatures! SCORE ONE FOR JERSEY!

My husband was thrilled to wake up from his nap and find this above our TV. I'm trying to find "Lucille" (that's what I named the unicorn) a permanent place in our house, unfortunately, she doesn't match the decor in the living room.

I fear that Lucille might be too magical for my teeny house in Mississippi. Perhaps her powers lie in her travels. If that's the case, who am I to stop Lucille from spreading her majesty throughout the globe? Lucille would, of course, have to be sent at the right time, to the right person and under the right circumstances - and ALWAYS insured.

Will Lucille travel again? That's yet to be known. However - my love for my friend Mel and the wisdom and awful gifts she gives to her favorite people is clear for all of the world to see. That bitch Mel sent me something awful, and I love it.


  1. Lucille MUST travel. Look at her, she's ready to gallop away. How ELSE do you think she got those muscles??

  2. omg this is going to turn into sisterhood of the traveling unicorn isn't it....

  3. That is FANTASTIC.

    My husband wouldn't allow it in the living room either.

  4. If this DOES turn into Sisterhood of the Traveling Unicorn (which it absolutely should), then I know a living room in Toronto that deserves Lucille.

    ...my friend Eric's. I just don't have the living room to support that kind of beauty.

  5. Ha... I love it! I hope you find a great home for it. (not mine :))

  6. I didn't see the sparkly frame before!!! AWESOME!

  7. I love the idea of traveling Lucille. She's like a gift and a curse. Gift: You just got a gigantic sparkly unicorn. Curse: It's going to cost you $50 minimum to send her to the next deserving recipient. LUCILLE IS JUST LIKE LIFE: She's awesome but sort of a pain in the ass and your husband doesn't understand her all the time.

  8. Hahahaha...LOVE it!! And what a bargin for $2!! Certainly it cost more to mail it to you, so yeah, Mel loves you!! And to comform that Mel loves you, note that she sent it to you instead of keeping it for herself. It had to be painfully hard for her to let go of it, with the sparkling frame and all ;-)